Let’s face it: marriage is serious business—that is, real life. Therefore, yes, most would want to make sure they’re on the same page as their potential spouse. Although some relationships just seem to naturally flow into a walk down the aisle, others really need more honest conversation about long-term goals. If you’re wondering, “Should I get married?”, here are 10 questions to ask yourself and some steps you can take to at least get started on moving through what feels like a super-major decision that you’re just not ready to tackle by yourself.
Signs He Might Not Be Ready:
- He won’t talk about the future:
If he outright refuses to talk about any kind of future planning, that’s a red flag. He may either always have cold feet or, worse still, be so confused in life that he cannot begin to have plans with you.
What You Can Do: If you just start having smaller ones about future goals, you might take some of that pressure off of him to have that big “will you marry me?” conversation. Discuss dream vacation spots, other possible career areas, or what, specifically, your dream living situation would entail. Try to get a feel for how comfortable he is in doing this and respond to how he’s matching your effort to chat about your future together.
2 He guards his independence:
While a good relationship does allow for some space and the things one enjoys doing solo, continued desperate need for independence—refusing utterly to understand a ‘shared life’—shows fear at the core of one’s being.
- What You Can Do: Consider the independence-versus-togetherness quotient in your relationship. Does he fight compromises on plans or act awkward about including you in his social circle? Ditto for deeper commitment issues.
3. He’s not interested in settling down:
Open communication regarding your future goals is the way forward. If settling down and making a life together is not on his agenda, then it’s probably time you two sat down and discussed both your points of view.
- What You Can Do: Be very upfront that you want to get married and have a future together. Don’t presume that he has the same goals and ideals in mind, too. Listen from him and see if the future you both want is synching to one another.
4 He has huge unresolved emotional baggage:
Unhealed hurts from the past, anxieties, or unresolved relationship traumas can make it very hard to commit. One might appear emotionally unavailable or afraid of getting close.
- What You Can Do: Gentle, persistent nudges back toward the source of this unfinished emotional business can bring it into his awareness. This therapist can hold a safe space in which he can engage unresolved past experience and become more emotionally available for an ongoing, committed relationship.
5 The guy has short-term relationships:
It is also indicative of the fear of getting too close or the reluctance to commit if the relationships are very short-lived.
- What You Can Do: Reflect on how much emotional depth is possible in such a relationship. To what extent do you feel that he shies away from intense conversations or emotional openness? There is maturity in being able to objectively make this a conversation you can have with him, understanding what he would want to see in a partner and if your relationship at all fits in his long-term desires.
6. He isn’t responsible while spending: This is very important for any marriage—financial stability. He is incapable of managing finances, has impulsive decisions while buying, or he simply avoids the discussion related to finances and goals—not a good sign.
- What You Can Do: Be very patient. Explain that a middle path has to be found out and a compromise reached where both of you can compromise their stands. Show that understanding and maturity are more important that always getting things done his way. \
7. He Doesn’t want to mingle his circle with yours -:
It is all about compromising on living to spending habits in marriage. If he doesn’t move an inch on important topics and shows stiff “my way or the highway” attitude, it might create problems in long-term prospects.
Observe how the two of you handle acrimonious situations. Does he turn them into working forums, or is communication cut if what he wants doesn’t happen? The success of a healthy relationship lies in a give and take between the partners.
8 He avoids meeting your family and friends:
It’s a level of commitment—introducing you to his social circle. The fact that he does so means that he is letting them in on you, so to speak. So, if he’s cagey about introducing you to his social circle, then chances are probably indicative that he doesn’t see quite a future in the relationship.
- What You Can Do: Note how he introduces you to other people. Is it as his girlfriend, partner, or something vaguer? The other way to do this is that if you haven’t got a chance to interact with his close friends or family, throw in a low-key get-together and see how he feels about this interaction.
9 He’d prefer to party than spend quality time together:
You get married well if there is something in common or being together, building life. If his priorities are very different—not partying or being all-time friends to hang out with all the time but spending quality time with you—those are some serious discussions.
- What You Can Do: Express needs for spends quality time together and to have shared experiences. Suggest activities of hobbies in which mutual interest is kept in mind. Acknowledge his desire to put in the amount of time and effort into preserving the relationship.
10. He doesn’t include you in the long-term plans.
It is but human nature to dream that whoever we narrate our future to looks like us, and we envision them right beside us. If he pictures his life in the future, and you are missing, that is one red light. Then, he probably is not contemplating marriage and the future with you.
- What You Can Do: Share your plans for the next five- or ten-year span of your life. Does he mention things that, to you, sound inconsistent with having a partner? Pay attention to his emotional tone as he envisions you in all these futures.
Taking It On: Beyond the Basics
The above signs are just a stepping stone in handling the situation; it requires an element of proactiveness. Here’s more that you can work on.
- Know Your Worth: Any person coming into this conversation does so with knowledge and realization of personal worth. Take time to identify what matters to you, what your aspirations are, and what you want from your potential partner. This shall set you on a pathway to assert your needs and be able to make effective decisions.
- Schedule an Appointed Time: Never discuss marriage based on a whim or right after a fight. Schedule a time in your calendar strictly to go through what the future has in store for you both in an open and honest way. Choose a relatively neutral location where both of you can easily carve out a block in time with zero distractions just to talk to each other.
- “I” Statements Accusatory language should be replaced with how one feels and what they want. It may consist of statements like “I feel frustrated when we never talk about the future” rather than “You’re afraid of commitment.”
- Active Listening Actually hear out his side, and do not interrupt him. Understand his reasons behind being reluctant and search for at least some underlying problems that could be easily resolved.
Be Open to Different Timelines: Readiness for marriage is something that isn’t necessarily chronological. Probably, he feels there is some more personal growth he believes he has to work on, or maybe he wants to hit some financial goals first. If they align with your overall vision for the future, then be open to alternative timelines. - Get Professional Help (Optional): If one feels the going is getting tough or even harder to sail out of individually, he may seek the help of a professional. Tools for effective communication will be provided and thereafter worked toward a solution that works for both of you.
Conclusion: Getting Clarity and Moving Forward
It may sound challenging to have a conversation that involves honesty regarding being ready to get married, but very necessary for any relationship. Following the guidelines of the article, you will have great answers to express yourself in a clear and respectful manner wherein both of you are able to communicate and share what each other wants to say.
Remember:
- Communication is Everything: Honest and open dialogue is the key to success in any situation.
- Common Purpose is a Must: Set common goals and a common vision about the future for healthy and fulfilling relationships.
- Value thy Needs: A person should not have to compromise in their happiness just to be with somebody who wouldn’t service your long-term needs and desires.
- There’s room for Growth: Therapy, personal growth—both should be into it—will pave ways for the future.
- Know when to let it go: Do realize the apparent truth if your long-term goals have inherent inconsistencies. Now may be the time to definitely let it go and find a partner who will stay with you in your vision in life.
Also read: Reignite that Spark: Nurturing Passion Above Drama in Your Relationship
Basically, a great relationship needs to be bound by complete trust, utmost respect, and the realization that you have one basic thing in common: a vision for the future. From there, you need to work on open lines of communication and take initiative for clarity regarding how you want to define your relationship. Then you are able to be confident in building a future or finding a fiancée who shares in your dreams.